31 July 2017

Don't Judge me, Bro. Love me.


Today's readings:

Dixitque ad Aaron: Quid tibi fecit hic populus, ut induceres super eum peccatum maximum?
Moses asked Aaron, “What did this people do to you that you should lead them into a grave sin?”
Exodus 32:21

Recently, I've been blessed to have two friends who are on my back all the time about walking out of Church when it's not about me. I'm not sick. I don't need anointing. I don't need prayer. It's not my wedding. I don't know those people. What do you mean, I should stay and pray for the kids? I pick up all that in my daily practice. I want coffee now.

I'm cutting myself off from the community when I do that: when I could be doing one of the works of mercy, interceding for the living and the dead. I'm failing in love: I'm cutting people off.

The Israelites, you may remember, are involved in idolatry (the Golden Calf). They have despaired of Moses coming back down the mountain and, in truth and logic, are rather afraid of the Thumber Boomer that is hovering over Sinai. They decide they'd much rather have a nearer deity, one that they can control. So they make one.  

Aaron decides to help them.

Moses puts the blame squarely on Aaron - even though Moses will later plead for the entire people of Israel before God. "What", he asks. "Did they ever do to you that you let them sin like this?"

Were Moses alive today, Aaron would have a much better response:

Whoa, dude. Don't judge them. That's all they can handle. I love these people - like God does - i would never make them do something that was too hard for them. God made them this way: so, what harm is there. Try to be more loving...

We use that tack on everyone.

Jesus, would, perhaps, agree.  But he would school the Christians first (the pagans have other issues...)

We are exactly supposed to love.  And, exactly, we can't judge.  But what do those things mean?

Well, "judge" means to presume God's role: the Greek is κρίνω, krino  and it means to cut off or to cut out. When I judge you I cut you off from God's mercy (mentally, that is) I can't damn you to hell. And, when it comes to weighing your sin against mine, mine out classes yours by several metric tonnes every time. So... don't judge.

But love, now... our current understanding of love (like my understanding of Good, yesterday) is a bit off, flaccid, impotent. We don't want love: we want disinterested regard. We want people to smile and let us alone. We don't love, we smile and look the other way. Or, sometimes, we watch. But we never actually consider - because that might make someone feel judged.

To Love, though, to ἀγάπη agape someone, in the way of God, after Jesus' commandment, is to will the good of the other - even to your own sacrificial death. 

The good of the other, though, is not a license to do whatever the other wants. Sometimes they don't want the good, the beautiful, the true. To love them is to want them to move that way. (Although that same love should know that to force is impossible: love woos, draws, invites.) To Love is to dance. But also, realizing when some steps are out of order, to Love is either to correct or let go; to show them the right steps, or to move out of the way so that no one gets trodden upon.


Love does not simply say, "I will always love you, do whatever you want." Love says, rather, "I love you. I will always hope, will, work, and desire for you to come with me on the journey to beauty, goodness, and truth, no matter what you are doing contrariwise." If asked, Love should be honest and say, "Yeah, don't do that because it's not the best thing for your salvation, and I would really want you saved: before me, even."

I fail in love constantly.

Look at today's Gospel. 

Simile est regnum cælorum fermento, quod acceptum mulier abscondit in farinæ satis tribus, donec fermentatum est totum.
The kingdom of heaven is like yeast that a woman took and mixed with three measures of wheat flour until the whole batch was leavened.
Matthew 13:33b

I heard a Bible scholar once talk about how, in those days, yeast was not a powder that people could buy at the store, but rather yeast was a culture that people carried around and they were afraid to lose it. This woman, he said, had done something foolish and lost her yeast by using it all up. (That, happily in his eyes, robbed this saying of all meaning and, therefore, Jesus never said it.) For all that he seemed to know about history - and all he claimed to know about the Bible - this teacher knew nothing about baking bread or keeping yeast happy. 

Yes, you do as he said. And, yet, yes you do as Jesus described. You leaven all the flour - and then you set aside a cup or so of the mixture for the next time. Jesus knew his Momma's recipe: he knew how to bake bread. Jesus is telling us that if we do our job as Church (that is, as the Kingdom of Heaven) the entire world be leavened: will become the Kingdom.

Yeast does not raise bread by disinterested regard. 

Yeast needs to get into the flour, pardon the pun. Yeast eats the flour, burps out gas and has babies. This is the bread rising, the babies have babies, they burp out more gas, everything changes.

The Church is not the Church, the Christian is not the Christian, if she is not loving - that is actively willing and working for the good of the world - the changing of the world, the salvation of souls around us, the making of everything into the Kingdom, that is the Church.

What did this people do to you that you lead them into such sin? Jesus will ask of you when you have let your children leave the Church without a fight. When you have let you friends go their entire lives without realizing what you do very secretly (it seems) on Sunday (only, it seems). Jesus will remind us that we were not supposed to Judge - but by walking away, we did exactly judge. We didn't will the good of the other, so we failed to Love. We cut them off from what we would imagine to say is the most important part of our lives. We judged them unworthy.

Aaron was not only failing in love, he was actively allowing the people to sin. He was cutting them off from God. He was committing krino - cutting them off. Judging.

The Church does not love us when she leaves us in sin, her priests are not loving when they leave us alone. They are cutting us off from the path of salvation, they are judging us.

You - me - we may not be commissioned preachers, but we are commissioned to love and not judge. To will the Good of others to our own detriment. To do less is to cut them off, to judge them. How do we do this in a world that doesn't even want to countenance the idea that "good" is anything less that "what feels good to me"? I don't know. The whole world fears not feeling good - us too: it's fear of not feeling good that keeps us in disinterested regard.

I should be giving of myself, my talents, my gifts to the Church, to those who need my prayers, who need the grace God has given me for no other reason than to share it with others.

We need to step out of disinterested regard. To be the Church - and to put up with what that might effect in our lives.

Scary, huh?



30 July 2017

It's all Good. I mean ALL. ALL OF IT.


Today's readings:

Scimus autem quoniam diligentibus Deum omnia cooperantur in bonum, iis qui secundum propositum vocati sunt sancti.
And we know that to them that love God, all things work together unto good, to such as, according to his purpose, are called to be saints.
Romans 8:28

The daily practice of an Examen is a part of Ignatian (Jesuit) spirituality, that I am finding very helpful, recently. It is, if you will, a daily examination of the day, finding the good and bad, the grace and the loss. I should be doing it now, honestly - it's after my bedtime as I write. Basically ask these questions:

What am I thankful for today?
What happened to me today?
What am I sorry for today?
What do I need to work on tomorrow?

I'd only been doing it a few weeks when I realized that I was "supposed" to be thankful for everything. That's why Saint James says "count it all joy;" and Saint Paul says, "In all things give thanks". We're in a culture of complaint, but God's Church calls us to "rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say, rejoice."

When I heard Bishop Barron bring up this passage from Romans in his weekly homily podcast, I was walking down the hill in the dark, on my way out for the day. (And his homily on this passage is so wonderful, catch it here!) And this verse... this one line... suddenly clicked.

Now, can I convey the click...

My understanding of this verse used to hinge on the bare conception that what I think of as "good" isn't necessarily what God thinks of as good. God want's saints fitted for heaven, we usually want a more-comfortable seat on the airplane. God wants warriors, battle hardened in virtue, dressed in the full armor of Divine Human Communion; we usually want to avoid pain so much we'll amputate things just because they hurt too much. God wants miraculous purity, we want good enough.

So I get that.

But suddenly, I realized that wasn't it at all.

Omnia cooperantur all things work together... The Greek is πάντα συνεργεῖ panta synergei An omnipresent synergy... the WHOLE THING. 

Is working for the Good of those who Love the Lord. There is only one that is good: God. There is only one Good, salvation - union with God. 

See: Jesus comes as Human among us... and he doesn't just teach a new thing. He rips apart the very fabric of the universe so that Death itself becomes the pathway to life. Pain, passion, suffering are all made gateways to eternity. Self-death is the surest way to rise from the dead.

Bread is flesh
Wine is blood.
Love is death.
Death is life.

But it's not just these things that happen "to me". Omnia cooperantur, panta syndergei. Everything.

Obama's election, Trump's election, Hillary's loss, Merkle's beer drinking, George Steinbrenner fighting with Reggie Jackson, I leave the monastery, you get married, we drink whiskey, they smoke hash, Brazil wins the Olympics, Japan gets bombed, Kanye's ego, Korea splits, Germany unites, everything works for the good of those who Love the Lord.

Everything.

In Calvin Miller's The Singer (IVP 1975) there is this great line:

Terra has just one stone
To mark her great insanity:
Across her continents it reads:
HERE LIES HUMANITY!

God's incarnation, death, resurrection, and ascension, God's diapers, acne, puberty, and bathroom habits changed this whole world from a death trap into a Spirit-run Salvation Machine.

This is why Paul says elsewhere that he is crucified with Christ. That painful, capital punishment is now the door of life. I am crucified with Christ and yet I life: not I but Christ who lives in me. 

My rootless cosmopolitanism, your square space middle class silliness, my coworkers' quasi-bohemian tech naivety, the starving millions of the world and right next door, all of us... we have one goal now, and it's not fixing things, per se: but using them. We dance now like so many angels on the head of a needle that is stitching together eternity and time - a tear we once made - held in God's own hand.

This world is our way home - even though it's broken, bleeding, and painful. God didn't fix the world, God subverted it. It still looks like the minions of evil trapped in time by the unlord of antilife.  But it is not: the accidents remain but the essence is changed.

ALL THINGS!
Praise be Jesus, we are so blessed! In our tears, our losses, our weakness - 

HERE RISES HUMANITY!

This is why Paul can - beyond the edge of our reading today - cap off this passage with one of the most beautiful and mystical sayings in all of space and time:

Certus sum enim quia neque mors neque vita neque angeli neque principatus neque instantia neque futura neque fortitudines neque altitudo neque profundum neque creatura alia poterit nos separare a caritate Dei quae est in Christo Iesu Domino nostro

For I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor might, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Roman 8:38-39

I won't leave you with out a caution, because there are those who don't love the Lord. There are those for whom the twins of covetousness and greed, anger and fear, jealousy and power, all birth the things that divide us one from another.  Having and having not both become idols in this world just as easily now as ever. Sin is real: one need only mistake the map for the territory: we run away from pain, we chase after joy, we subvert our desires and make them drugs.

It's easy to forget...

That can separate us from the the Love of God. That - right there. You. Me.  We have that power.

Give it up. The pearl of Great Price is worth everything you have. Give it all up: and get the one thing that's worth anything.

Here's this prayer from St Ignatius of Loyola:

Suscipe, Domine, universam meam libertatem. Accipe memoriam, intellectum, atque voluntatem omnem. Quidquid habeo vel possideo mihi largitus es; id tibi totum restituo, ac tuae prorsus voluntati trado gubernandum. Amorem tui solum cum gratia tua mihi dones, et dives sum satis, nec aliud quidquam ultra posco.

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. Thou hast given all to me. To Thee, O Lord, I return it. All is Thine, dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. Give me Thy love and Thy grace, for this is sufficient for me.

Give it all up. Rejoice: all is ours!

There is no reason to be afraid. There is no enemy anywhere. Examine your day - and count the blessings.

It's all Good.

28 July 2017

You gotta dance.




Today's readings:
The seed sown on the path is the one who hears the word...
Matthew 13:19

In Matthew (as we heard on Sunday) seeds are not the abstract "Word of God" that they are in Luke and Mark. Seeds are symbols of us who have received the Word. Often you hear sermons on this parable (from the parallel versions) and the focus seems to be "what kind of dirt are you?" In this telling, though, the story is more abstract, the symbols more threatening. For, the sower sows symbols of us... where we are.  

Any of us can be any of these seeds after any grace filled moment of conversion. It has nothing to do with the sower.

It's you.

So, are you the one who hears the word of the Kingdom without understanding it?
Are you the one who hears the word and receives it at once with joy but has no root?
Are you the one who hears the word, but then worldly anxiety and the lure of riches block it out?
Or are you the one who hears the word and understands it and bears fruit?

The Word of God does not get into your soul without God putting it there. But that's not enough: it's then up to you. You.

You have to do something.

What can you do? Hear. Understand. Bear fruit.

That's your job. God's done his. 

You should start with the commandments we got in the first lesson. The rest can come later.

No other gods and no adultery are the big ones today, I think. But your milage may vary. 

How do you dance this dance with God? Trust me: telling me he doesn't care what you do, or he won't mind if you're about to break a few rules, or he won't care if you've go a few extra deities... that's just you talking to yourself.

But if you'll dance with God, he will lead. We are all feminine to his masculine. We are all the followers to his lead. Wherever he leads, you should follow.

27 July 2017

To Them It Has Not Been Granted


Today's readings:

Because knowledge of the mysteries of the Kingdom of heaven has been granted to you, but to them it has not been granted.
Matthew 13:11

I am coming to you in a dense cloud, 
so that when the people hear me speaking with you, 
they may always have faith in you also.
Exodus 19:9

One of the things that gripes me most is when someone who rejects the scriptures wholeheartedly tries to tell me what they mean.

I don't care if that's your average person-on-the-street who says "let me tell you what you're doing wrong", or the historian who makes shibboleths of science, the textual critic who wants the scriptures to have no content; or the liberal who wants to turn it all into useless poetry and left wing politics, the fundie who wants to lick the text looking for the macrodot of right-wing acid, and instead is just left with a sour taste in their mouth because ink is not salvific.

As God did to Moses, so he did to the Church: imparting the meaning of the text: it's the Church's job to teach us. And our job to learn from her. Nowhere does any part of the scripture, read in the context of the rest of the text, say "You (singular, second person) can tell what this means." For God imparts the wisdom to "Y'all (plural, second person) by the Holy Spirit will be lead into all Truth." And it is in his Church, the pillar and ground of the truth, that "y'all" are. 
 And the minute someone says "but wait... my Bible says..." you're in the wrong classroom.

If you want the truth: go to the source - which isn't the text, at all, but the Spirit of God living in his Church, and the Logos of God, spoken only once for all time in Jesus.

21 July 2017

Book Meditation: Why I Don't Call Myself Gay (Part 2)



This is part 2, thinking about Daniel C. Mattson's Why I Don't Call Myself Gay. For part 1, now see here.

Parts 3, 4 and 5 of Mattson's book move in a wide arc from theology to friendship, from love to loneliness. There are ample quotes from his journals, and there are odd moments where I nearly threw the book across the room (and, especially, two places where I wrote "no" in the margins).

Part 3, How to Run the Race: Living Out the Daily Battle for Chastity, saddles up along side part 1 as the best sections of the book, most especially the chapter entitled "The Wisdom and Example of the Saints." I need to know very little about how they teach gender theory to kindergartners (which is covered in the blogger-voiced part 2) but I need to know a lot more about the saints! This section, citing saints from Cyprian of Antioch and Basil the Great to Ignatius of Loyola and Alphonsus Liguori, is filled with encouragement, and acknowledgement that many of our saints were scoundrels, and not a few of them helped rescue people that make my life seem rather pedestrian. Lots more of this is needed! The Story of St Mary of Egypt, advice from Pope St John Paul, St Francis, St Benedict... St Teresa of Calcutta... there's so much out there. That this chapter was so short and so good, though, points to what I think was a major failing.

There are no demons in this book; no, nor angels.

In fact, the book seems largely, psychotherapeutic rather than, to coin a term, nousotherapeutic. This follows in the footsteps of many a modern (pardon the language) Western and a few modern Eastern Christian writers who forget the Christian Anthropology taught by the saints. We don't need Freud, Jung, or any other modern pagans to enlighten the teachings of a Liguori or Loyola. This school of thought seems to treat our temptations as, largely, a psychological issue, and hardly at all as a spiritual malady; always addressed in a mental rather than spiritual way, as in a school of prayer. A good confessor or spiritual director/spiritual father knows that Psychology might get to the root of how this happened, but it won't fix the who or why as effectively as a prayer against demons who inhabit spiritual wounds, who lurk in dark places in the soul, ready to trip or trigger us. Yet we like to sound modern and scholarly. Even the good Fr Benedict Groeschel in his brilliant "Courage to be Chaste" makes this a mostly psychological and moral issue, rather than a spiritual one. (At one point Groeschel even makes fun of those who used spiritual weapons without seeking a psychological cure, and so fell.)

Our weakness may result from fault lines in our psychological makeup, scored by parents, teachers, bullies, or ourselves. However it takes a Nephew Wormwood or Uncle Screwtape to bring them to full flower and it takes our own willing, human dance to keep them going. The verse that needs to be at the heart of every Christian's struggle for chastity is Ephesians 6:12: For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

Our psychological damage (real enough) or our culture, our nurture, whatever, is nothing until it's taunted, teased, and bullied out into full on fantasy life (the prideful fantasy of an existence lived contra the plan of Life). I think the author gave himself too much credit in the creation of his mistakes, to be honest. And likewise, it is the angels on our side that help us fight the warfare that leads us to victory. Mattson does advise fasting, prayer, Adoration, and frequent recourse to the sacraments of Confession and the Eucharist, but the Church is filled with other weapons for use in this Angelic Warfare. In a how-to book like this there could be nearly half-again as many pages of prayers, novenas, listings of confraternities, prayer groups, etc. (Liturgy of the Hours and the Angelic Warfare Confraternity do get footnotes.)

In part 4, there is a wonderful essay on the language of "Disorder". It talks about how we are all out of order, how we are all working our way back into God's pattern for life. I find language of disorder to be liberating. This chapter gave me so very much support in that area! My mind was blown by the passages regarding the human reproductive system. I remember sex ed, where the teacher in Monticello, NY, taught us all the stuff about zygotes, spermatozoa, and all the rest. Yet it never dawned on me until reading this book the the "human reproductive system" is entirely split in two. It's two three-piston halves of a six-piston engine. It's an organic system in two parts. I'm sure that's clear as day to readers who are married, but welcome to my brain. My grasp of the Church's teaching (following Aristotle as much as Moses) that function follows form, that form dictates telos, that the shapes and meaning of bodies are self-evident, was just abstract to me until I read that passage. Recognizing disorder also results in hope - for order, for direction.

The passages on friendship were, again, autobiographical and I did recognize some of my own missteps. But the blogger's voice returned here. The reader felt sorry for the friend (the pseudonymous Jake) who seems to have endured rather a long friendship with the author and also gets to endure it again in the reading of the book. I was happy to learn so much about my own mistakes, but I felt sorry for Jake that he was made to be the Example. (Unless Jake is a hybrid of several people...)

There was a chapter on loneliness. I didn't identify very well here, so, maybe I'm not as introverted as I thought, or maybe I've just gotten used to it, or maybe I'm in denial. But alone time, for me, is different from loneliness. The author shares some very painful moments, some very jarring images of emotional pain. I nearly tossed the book away when he compares this to a story from a Nazi concentration camp and learning to "offer it up" for the salvation of the world. It was at that point in reading that I began to wonder uncharitably if there would ever be a spiritual cure here.

Today (Thursday, as I write), coincidentally, I listened to a Byzantine Catholic priest in a podcast talk about getting away from his loneliness by taking all the money in his wallet and buying McDonalds gift cards and giving them away to strangers on the street. I remember a priest in confession telling me to get out of the house, to go to the park, to just sit there and be with people. The cure for loneliness is love: self-giving to other people; to will the good of another. I feel the walls of loneliness closing in on me when I listen to music in my headphones as a way to avoid talking to homeless people. Open up, give, share. It's the cure.

The author is happy in church, but he talks very little about it. It comes up in the acknowledgements, so I know he's doing it! But the Church is also the cure here. St John Paul reminds us
For those who have no natural family the doors of the great family which is the Church - the Church which finds concrete expression in the diocesan and the parish family, in ecclesial basic communities and in movements of the apostolate - must be opened even wider. No one is without a family in this world: the Church is a home and family for everyone, especially those who 'labor and are heavy laden.'
Pope St John Paul II Familiaris Consortio
So I think there's a challenge here - to elicit more writing from Mr Mattson. He's come so far, and there's so much more to do! There's the Rosary and daily mass, there's mens fellowships and choir. There's a whole spiritual side to this battle that I think he's using that wasn't in the book. I'm leery of over-psychologizing this: that's the weapons of the other side. We have entire armies of majestic fear and disarming beauty on our side. Elisha prayed, and said, LORD, I pray thee, open his eyes, that he may see. And the LORD opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and, behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha. (2 Kings 6:17) and we have a cloud of witnesses around us. We are never alone in this battle.

I'm getting off track. I want to close with this other thought... there's a temptation to cave into the cultural war.

Christians are seemingly aligned with one or another side of this war, but I don't think that's right. Our battle is not with flesh and blood. It's certainly not with political parties or politicians. When we let our writing (about chastity, about liturgy, about whatever...) get suckered into the political sphere, we are in danger of losing our prophetic voice. There is only one illustration in Mattson's book. If a random reader were to pick this up in a bookstore and flip through, it's likely that that one illustration would catch their eye - it's the rather controversial sheet explaining gender theory to young kids. Our hypothetical shopper will, likely, judge the whole book on page 99. I'm not sure that's a good thing. I sold an article once to Touchstone Magazine. It became the go-to thing for a time, as far as SSA was concerned. It was edited to avoid the context of a then-recent Episcopal Election in Massachusetts, and turned into a full-on broadside against the gay movement. At the time I didn't care: cuz I got published! But later, I regretted it. Once in awhile I used to get an emails about it, but they are all some version of "See, I knew we were right..." and I think, "I never reached anyone with this, only confirmed people's hate."

Preaching to the choir is much easier than preaching to the Areopagus. But the latter is what is needed.

When we realize that our sins are our own dance with the devil, when we realize that our family, God's Church, stands ready to help us, we finally have very little time to worry about the people we used to sin with save as regards their souls. In those cases, Bishop Barron is right: leading with "Disorder" may not be the best thing.

Right at the end, I wrote "no" again in the margin. The author seems to be saying "this world sucks and as soon as I can get out I can get to heaven." No. No. No.

A quadrillion times, No.

We're here because we have work to do. We're here because we have to work out our salvation in fear and trembling. We're here because we need to love, more and more and more until that love becomes a fire that consumes us and we merge into the fire of God. We're here to be the fire that consumes the world in love. We are here to struggle against whatever our passions are so that we can learn to love first, in spite of them, then, eventually, to their cure.

One Lent, reading the Life of St Mary of Egypt in the Matins service devoted to her (in the Byzantine rite), I broke down. Another reader had to jump in and read for me. Mary realizes she spent years leading others astray. Having made that realization she prayed for them and their salvation. I'm not quite there yet, but that's where the road to healing lies. We can't go there if we buy into the Cultural War language of us against them which pits humans against humans. There is an us, and there is a them. We are all the humans whom God loves so much he became one of us: them are the demons. Full stop.

Three quarters of this book was so good that I want more of it. I imagine the one-quarter that seemingly caters to "our side" in the Culture War will get quoted more, though. Stuff in the one quarter needs to be said, sometimes; but I think of how little anger one can hear is when certain clergy talk about sexual sins as compared to the anger I nearly always hear coming from people in the middle of this path. We need to wait until we can speak like St Mary of Egypt.

May she pray for us.

19 July 2017

Book Meditation: Why I Don't Call Myself Gay (Part 1)


TL;DR - Good book. Although I've some style issues in Part 2 and 4, all the parts are all engaging and thought provoking. All parts, too, are educational both in a spiritual way (if you want to be a faithful RCC) and in a "getting inside the mind of" way if you don't want to be RCC at all. Excellent as a spiritual guide for the faithful, this book would also be a strong placement alongside other works with differing POV in a group discussion setting in or outside the RCC. 

Back in 2014, reviewing Eve Tushnet's Gay and Catholic, I took issue with her ascribing a sense of beingness to her sexuality. It seemed to me that Eve's approach was "I am this way, and now I have to live - still being this way - into the Church's rules." Reading with her filter in place, it was easy for me, from outside the Roman Church, to interpret all of RCC teaching the same way. My objection to this line of thought as posted in that review was:
I "am" gay because I like sex with guys as I "am" a carnivore because I love bacon. I can be a vegetarian - but I'd still love bacon. I can even be an "ethical vegan", opposed to the anthropocentric use, objectification, and slaughter of other living creatures - but still admit that the taste of bacon is one that I love. I "am" gay rather as I love bacon. It's fun. It's a preference, but it doesn't mean I am gay in my being.
My essential response was "I am Orthodox and a sinner." (You can read: Review part 1 and Review part 2 if you wish.)

Now I'm Catholic, and it is largely because of a group that I met at that time, ironically, as a result of reading Eve's book. I discovered that Eve's tack isn't really all of the RC's teaching. This doesn't surprise me: I'm a convert too.


This idea that one is gay the way one used to be considered male, or white, or 53 years old seems to be common. In fact in a culture where much of what used to pass for "identity" seems fluid, orientation is given an oddly concrete status. It is also rather recent and socially constructed - as people from Foucalt, to Paglia have pointed out. What we do with this sense of being we have, though, that's the important part.

Into this conversation now comes Daniel C. Mattson with his wonderful and challenging Why I Don't Call Myself Gay. It is the spiritual autobiography of a man trying to live faithful to authentic Christianity's teaching on sexuality - towit, that sex as a vibrant and powerful gift from God, is intended to be rightly used in one context, and outside of that context it is not only wrong in a moral and spiritual way but also harmful to the human person.

Liber est omnis divisa in partes quinque.

The whole book is divided in five parts, but I'll address the review in two posts. Here parts 1 and 2, then there will be another post on parts 3, 4, and 5. In defence of this division, I note that Parts 2 & 4 are the ones I had trouble with so that will divide these two posts into "some good/some bad". And I do not want, in any way, for the discussion of the bad to eclipse the good.

Mad props for getting Robert Cardinal Sarah to write the foreword! In the front matter, the book raises a crucial issue: Cardinal Sarah and Fr Paul Check (writing in the introduction) both point out that we need a Church that moves along side of those who are struggling. Tushnet points this out as well. Two of my brothers in Christ recently punched a hole in my gut talking (also in two parts) about the compassion that Catholics need to feel along side these struggles (The Catholic Man Show, Episode 61, and Episode 62). A recent movie, called "The Third Way" did this as well. It does my heart good to feel not-alone, but fully a part of the Body of Christ in ways that mere denial or mere affirmation never allowed me to feel.

Part 1 is the most autobiographical. It's the story of a boy conceived on the night of the first Moon Landing (I rather like that story more than mine, which involves the weekend of the JFK assassination, but anyway...) and who grows up feeling lost among boys and men who are athletic and jocular, easy going with themselves, confident and outgoing with women. His own sense of inadequacy was such that he got turned in on himself.

It continues with him sexualizing these feelings, and then finding ways to express those sexualized feelings. Once the feelings get sexualized, then it becomes only a matter of finding ways to express them.

It's worth a read: I had the exact same experience. All the way through I was like "um, wow."  And the same story came up again in another place recently, a film. So alike were Daniel's story to the other story that I had to jump to the film's credits to see if this were not the same guy! There may be a number of reasons for having these feelings, but "Falling for the guy I want to be" and then sexualizing it seems to be the most common one. It also explains why some men get locked into dating the same aged guys over and over again: that's the age that one wants to be, wants to be for ever, that one keeps trying to "fix".

There were a couple of places where my experience parted from Mattson's path, most notably in his adult attempts at dating women (which I stopped trying to do in college - even then hurting dear friends). Also, I had the departure from the Church phase, coming back at about the same time as the author, although I only had anger at the Church - in a real sense - for a couple of years in my darkest occult phase. Still, the author's stories of flipping the finger at a church made perfect sense - and I've seen others do it as well whenever they passed a church.

The sense of disempowerment in the World of Men becomes, itself, the driving force. Although Daniel is not going to get to this phase (or if he did, he didn't discuss it), the inadequacy and downward spiral can continue, until - far from eroticising the men you wish you were like - you end up eroticising the inadequacy itself. You stop acting the role of the class clown, the jokes on me, look I'm about to swing a bat... and you end up playing the class fool: go ahead, beat me up, please.

I found this first part as valuable in understanding the spiritual journey as I found parts of Merton's Seven Storey Mountain and for much the same reason: it underscores that no one has a unique story. There is only one story, with variations on the theme. In my pride I want to be the only one. But really, we all have the same story. It only takes the breaking of a rare few things to result in the same scars, the same inflection, the same inversions, as they used to call it. Reading this story though, was earth-shaking. Each moment of "What, you too?" was like a brick gone from my wall: not a loss, for it was never a gain, but still, an absence to be filled by Grace. When the whole wall is gone, then I'll be dead... but it will be a pretty bridge.

The second part, though, I wrestled with. As a blogger I can hear the blogger's voice. This is not a voice for putting thoughts in print. In fact if it had continued for much longer I would have put the book down and written a bad review never realizing there were other parts to read. To my mental ears, this part is Daniel's "I was in Hell" moment. It's his chance to say how unsatisfactory the gay world was. I get that. My experience though is this anger is like admitting one has had sex with an astronomical number of people: it may be true, but the left doesn't care and the right only cares for the scandal. Yes, the idea of "Coming out" is all empty promises. But so what? This seems to be the part of the book written for other people - not for people struggling with church teaching on sex, but people who want to be scandalized or at least titillated about people not wanting to live that way. It's the part that will sell the book to people who don't really care about a collection of struggling Christians, but do want to feel superior to them. This is the part I imagine I'll hear quoted in certain circles - this part and part 5. I'll discuss this more, though, in the second post. Part 2 is not the longest part, though. I agreed with most things said, but it's the tone. (I begin to think tone is everything in Evangelism.)

What else can a book about the sexual teachings in the Church be, but evangelism? As I said, this would be a good book in a discussion group with different points of view. But this book raises some interesting issues - especially in the "this is my life" portion. These are not all comfortable questions, perhaps, for the author. I'll get to them later. But - vague spoiler - here's where I think there is a huge difference between several sorts of books in this genre. They fall on a spectrum:

1) I hate this. I love God.
2) I hate this. I hate God.
3) I love this. I hate God.
4) I love this. I love God.

Each category then asks different questions. All four category can be written with one of four endings:

1) Yes-Gay Yes-God
2) Yes-Gay No-God
3) No-Gay No-God
4) No-Gay Yes-God

Eve Tushnet's book falls into category 3 with something of a 1-4 Hybrid ending. Mattson seems to be a Category 2 with a 4 ending.

I don't think that's good evangelism, but it is a good part of mystagogy, the after- initiation teaching. Tushnet's book was good evangelism in that it'll get you through the door.

I have not yet talked about the title of the book - but the title is why I bought it. In 1995 or 96 I was getting off the N train at 42nd Street with my housemate, Ray. Ray was explaining to me why he didn't feel a part of anything called the gay community. "Basically," he said. "The only thing we have in common is what we like to do in bed. And, really, we don't even have that..." It was a throwaway line that I ruminated on for nearly a decade. We have nothing in common. Wait, if there is no gay community, is there a gay? And all through college and on into adult life, I met well adjusted folks - most of whom were also attracted to the same sex - who said things like "I don't want to be called gay" and "I hate gay as a noun".

The fact that most all of these people were "Teh Ghey" - and sexually active, etc - but yet didn't want to be using the word was interesting to me. And, like I said, made me examine my own thoughts, words, and deeds in this area. There are some that might say most of those folks suffered from some sort of internalized self-hate, but I'm not a psychotherapist and I don't want to diagnose people based on my level of Psych 101 at NYU.

I did feel uncomfortable reading parts of Mattson's book. There were places where he sounded remarkably sound, able to navigate the nuances of a person working out his salvation in fear and trembling. And there were places where he sounded simply hurt and angry. I found myself in those places saying, "I'm not sure what went wrong here, but you don't seem to be telling the whole story." Like in Seven Storey Mountain where Merton never comes clean about fathering a child... but notes his life was a mess sexually. I don't want Mattson to do a kiss and tell chapter, or write out a true confession of his life, but the Bio Part seems a bit short, to be honest, and a bit light on the workings. Has much as I loved it, I wished there had been more.

That would be evangelism, I think. And it would be the blogger's voice rightly used. It may also require a different life pattern - one where "This felt really good" was a thing. I think of St Mary of Egypt, really.  Although, later in life, she realized she had made a grave error - earlier it was not that way. And she was honest about it not being that way. I don't think she laughed or bragged, but she was honest that the younger girl was not prone to really care about morality.

Daniel Mattson's story might work for some while St Mary of Egypt's story works for others.  I hope there's a "Gay St Mary" out there... forgive my phrasing.

In the second posting on this book I will discuss parts 3, 4, and 5. Which I think are the spiritual fruit of Mattson's labor in some ways - and quite well done in all ways.

That's for reading - part 2 is here.

08 July 2017

Run that up the Crucifix and see who genuflects


July Fourth always leaves me wrestling with my identity as a person born in this country. I have very little problem identifying with our past (even the bad parts) but the present has been a problem since, about 1980. That was the time I started to see through our Mythology. I remember one of the youth of our (Methodist) church running upstairs from the polling station, located in our Church's basement, to announce that Ronald Reagan had won in our tiny little town of Rock Hill, NY. Our leader raised her hands heavenward and thanked Jesus.

I spent the next 8 years thinking Jesus had a funny sense of humor. I've continued to think that through the last 5 administrations - and even more so now.

When St Paul says, "there is neither Jew nor Greek" and elsewhere, "neither Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free" he is undoing all our identities. As Christians we are nothing by the world's lights, "but Christ is all".

Yet the secular authorities have a place, a purpose. And so it is that we pray for the king - even if the king, or queen, or czar, or dictator, or president hates the Church, persecutes the Church, tries to destroy the Church. The Churches of Russia commemorated their communist oppressors and prayed for them daily, that they would do their God-appointed jobs, perform their God-appointed functions, and leave the Church in peace. The Churches prayed for Obama and pray for Trump in exactly the same way.

The place where we are is all part of the mystery of Providence, like the family into which we are born. The whole of the universe has been designed to bring us to salvation. So, I am an American. To deny or wish otherwise is to belittle God's design. We live in a hemisphere visited by God's own Mother, and raising up saints to this very day in all the cultures that live in this half of the globe.

Yet, though individual laws passed or supported by various governments may tend more or less towards Christian morals there is no such thing as a Christian state or a Christian government. There may be a Christian sitting in the office, but no one following Christian morals can today (if ever) navigate the turbulent waters of statecraft without frequent recourse to the confessional.

And so it is that I sit here on the on the 482nd anniversary of the martyrdom of St Thomas More, and I wonder: how can I be the king's faithful servant, but God's first.

How is it possible to live in this world, to gain sanctity, to work out my salvation in fear and trembling, while still being an American in any way other than only by the accident of what's on my birth certificate.

I don't think it is possible at all.

To live Christian Moral choices into the office of any elected official, into any state appointment, into any official function may well be impossible for me (for me not for you) because I am timid, fearful, irresolute. Having made that confession, I do honestly wonder about the sagacity of those who make that choice, who march knowingly into the post office, the political party boss's calendar, or the county clerk's office and ask for a job. I don't doubt their faith - that's known to their confessor alone - but I admit I don't believe for a minute a faithful Catholic could knowingly vote for either abortion laws or anti-poor laws or anti-marriage laws and still honestly say in her heart she is a Catholic. So either these persons are foolish, silly, deluded, or outright evil.

God helps fools, the silly, and does not fault the deluded (unless it is by their own choice). But the Evil, now, the wolves in sheep's clothing... these we must avoid at all cost.

Nancy Pelosi & JFK. Catholics(?)
And so, maybe, it's possible that this very thing: this learning that we cannot be loyal Americans and faithful Christians is our reason for being here. Faithful Catholics and Orthodox were not loyal Soviets, but they were good citizens. They lived in the community God gave them, they became Saints in the the world in which God saw them born. We don't have to be nostalgic for a mythic past or even pretend to be flag-wavers. We can be thankful for what God has given us, aware of what man has corrupted in God's gifts, and wary of the Evil One's prime temptation: to imagine that we did this, some how. To claim that the Church must thank anything secular for the blessings God has given us. Any good there is here must be known as God's gifts, not the product of anything in the created order.

Any liberty we enjoy, is not by or because of America or the secular government, not by virtue of any national grace or unique identity; all good comes to us because God used America to give it to us. God is the author, America is only this chapter in the book. When it pleases him, this chapter will close (or is already closing) and something new will come along. It will be our duty then, to go, move, shift... and do a new thing joyfully.



03 July 2017

Seven Storey Mountain - reading along


At the tweeted suggestion of Steve, aka Steve the Missionary, as part of my post-RCIA Catechesis (Adult Reading for the Catholic N00b) I've been reading Thomas Merton's Seven Storey Mountain: An Autobiography of Faith (from which edition all the page numbers are cited below). I very much dislike autobiography, to be honest, as of course would anyone like me who spends hours a week blogging a real-time autobiography. My ego is too big to make room for another's... but I first met Thomas in high school, reading The Sign of Jonas, and although the meaning of that book escaped my young self, this one punches in the gut from nearly every page, and not occasionally takes away breath, rips out tears, and stuns with phasers aimed at the heart.

It's not expected. More Merton is heard from Liberal Mainlines than one cares to note. Merton is the Liberal Mainline's go-to Catholic. I had no idea at all that the warm, fluffy, nearly New Age Merton I keep hearing quoted by the Spiritual but Not Religious would ever rip a new one like this:
How did it ever happen that, when the dregs of the world had collected in western Europe, when Goth and Frank and Norman and Lombard had mingles with the rot of old Rome to form a patchwork of hybrid races, all of them notable for ferocity, hatred, stupidity, craftiness, lust and brutality -- how did it happen that, form all this, there should come Gregorian chant, monasteries and cathedrals, the poems of Prudentius, the commentaries and histories of Bede, the Moralia of Gregory the Great, Augustine's City of God, and his Trinity, the writings of St Anslem, S Bernard's sermons on the Canticles, the poetry of Caedmon and Cynewulf and Langlad and Dante, St Thomas' Summa, and the Oceniense of Duns Scotus?
How does it happen that event today a couple of ordinary French stonemasons, or a carpenter and his apprentice, and put a dovecote or a barn that has more architectural perfection than the piles of eclectic stupidity that grows up at the cost of hundreds of thousands of dollars on the campuses of American Universities? (7SM, p33)
Yet it is not cultural punches but the Spiritual Journey for which one goes to Merton. Journey is not the right word: Merton is not on a happy-go-lucky labyrinth-winding pilgrimage without possibility of failure here. Merton's engaged in Jihad, a spiritual struggle, a Podvig as the Slavs would say.
Souls are like athletes, that need opponents worthy of them, if they are to be tried and extended and pushed to the full use of their powers, and rewarded according to their capacity. (7SM, p92)
He's aware in hindsight (even though he was not in real-time) that he had lived on the edge of a precipice, that he needed only to stumble one way too far and all would have been lost. He knows, again in hindsight, that the world almost got him.
And so I became the complete twentieth-century man. I now belonged to the world in which I live. I became a true citizen of my own disgusting century: the century of poison gas and atomic bombs. A man living on the doorsill of the Apocalypse, a man with veins full of poison, living in death. (p94)
Then he quotes Baudelaire, but he's talking to the reader... Hypocrite lecteur, mon semblable, mon frère... (??).  Thomas puts the reader in his own life: this is not the ego of the blogger who puts his own life before the reader to say "look at me" this is the kenotic love of a spiritual writer who says, "you are where I was and I'm worried, praying, holding a little light..."

There's more anon... I'm 256 pages in already, but it's so stunning that I have to take time to digest.

01 July 2017

A Daily Offering to the Holy Family of Nazareth


Holy Family of Nazareth, hear the prayers of a prodigal. I have sinned before heaven and against you. Take me as one of your hired servants.


Chaste Heart of Joseph, I beg thy prayers. Like thee may I be chaste and stable. May my work be done with all due speed and diligence; ever be ordered only to the provision, safety, and advance of God's Kingdom, the Church. Bless my skills and talents that, like thee, I may ever use them to God's glory and not my own. Let me be temperate, neither greedy nor sloth; let not the noonday demon find me ready to make a mockery of God's labor or my own. Fix me in chastity in action, word, and thought.

Pray for me, St Joseph, together with thy Most Immaculate Spouse, that I may work out my salvation in fear and trembling; that having thee as my father and Mary as my mother, I may truly have Jesus as my brother and may be a devoted servant of the Holy Family of Nazareth.


Immaculate Heart of Mary, I beg thy prayers. Like thee may I be open to the will of God, and ever ready in whatever state of life I find myself, to keep silent save only to say "Do whatever he tells you". Cause me, by thy prayers, through pious devotion and faithful adherence to the divine precepts, to yield a fruitful harvest of Faith, Hope, and Charity, and all the other virtues.

Pray for me, Holy Mary, Mother of God, together with thy Most Chaste Spouse, that I may be constantly bringing forth the Word of God to the Joy of all the World; that having thee as my mother and Joseph as my father, I may truly have Jesus as my brother and may be a devoted servant of the Holy Family of Nazareth.


Sacred Heart of Jesus, I trust in thee! Hear the prayers of thy Most Immaculate Mother and thy Most Chaste Foster Father on my behalf. May the fount of mercy flowing from thy side wash me. Set up thy Cross in my soul. Nail my flesh to the fear of thee. Undo my slavery to my own reasonings. Take away my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh, on fire with love for the world, and wounded with compassion for the weak and lost, especially for those whom daily thou sendest to me.

May I truly have Mary as my Mother and Joseph as my Father, and be thou, Jesus, my Brother, Saviour, and Friend; that in service to the Holy Family of Nazareth, I may live in stability, safety, and peace.

May thy Church be my only home, thy Word my only teacher, and thy Eucharist my only food.

Dearest Jesus, after the example of the Chaste Heart of Joseph and through the Immaculate Heart of Mary, I offer thee all of my plans, dreams, and intentions, all of my thoughts, words, and deeds, all of my joys and sufferings, my hopes and fears, all of my crosses and crowns of this day and all of my life, all for the intentions of thy Sacred heart, in union with the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, for the salvation of souls, the reparation of sins, the reunion of all Christians, and the intentions of our Holy Father, the Pope.

Amen.